Missing in Action.

I'm so sorry I've been absent for these few days. The cleanse is going okay. I'm not going to weigh myself for another 5 days and see where it gets me. I want to be really surprised in a good way. The stuff tastes okay. I use Splenda instead of maple syrup so it tastes okay. The maple syrup/cayenne tastes funny (just a warning).
Life is otherwise okay. mom and I fight every so often. She's eating a bowl of pa' nang (Thai curry) right now and I want to yell because the sounds of her eating drive me BONKERS. I want to cry out "stop! Don't eat that! You're fat!" It's never been easy to admit that. My mom is overweight. She's been on thousands of yo-yo diets and none of them have worked. She used to be bulimic, but that clearly worked against her. I'm so worried it will happen to me. I need to beat mia and at least become ana.
God. I can't get along with her for longer than an hour or two and then she just gets angry with me and everything I do makes her mad. I think part of the reason I am so angry with her is because she's fat, because she's loud, because she's angry. She doesn't say please or thank you, she's really lazy. She's always lecturing me about jobs and my spending, but she hasn't worked in 20 years, and just spends thousands on plants for her garden or buys a ton of food at Costco when our THREE! fridges are so full that everything inside goes moldy. Just UGH!
Anyways, sorry about that. I needed to get that off my chest.
I can't wait to start film next year. It's going to be so fun. I can't wait to be in the industry. I want to be top of my class, super involved with the program. I want to aim to be the film program rep. That's my goal.
I've been playing my guitar for a while. I'm getting better. The song I wrote for D. keeps changing, but I can't wait to see him. I love him so much. He means the world to me. I'm thinking when i get down there I confess my ed to him, but I don't think he'd react well.
I miss Toronto a lot. I'm so depressed and fat when I'm in Ottawa. I can't wait to get back downtown.

Anyhow, precious workout time is being wasted. Sorry about the super emo post today. I promise tomorrow will be better.
xoxo GG. (K.)

Whittle.

So I had a HUGE fucking scare yesterday. I was up on the scale 3 lbs, bringing me to a whopping 113. FUCK. But then it was gone this morning, and I'm back up at it now, even though I ate NOTHING all day. I'm going to eat an apple and a Special K bar and then hit the elliptical again. I worked both today and yesterday, and then am home and listening to my family nosh away on summer party foods. Whatever.
I'm going out tonight! I can't wait to go dancing. Some more workout + fun times + good friends. I'm not going to drink very much, just vodka/water mix and a lime slice chaser. My friend Austin will be down, which is cool. He's kind of..odd, but he's nice and I hope with everyone around he'll have fun.
Lemon Cleanse starting tomorrow. I figured I was going to wait until next week, but these damn 3lbs need to go.

* 2 Tablespoons of organic lemon juice

* 2 Tablespoons of organic grade B maple syrup

* 1/10 Teaspoon ground cayenne pepper

* 10 oz of filtered water

Mix, serve chilled, get skinny.

Lots of luck, my darlings!

Trawna.

So I'm sitting in my hotel room right now. I'm in Toronto for the day to look at apartments, and am SO excited to have my own place. I can't wait to be on my own again. I know you could get the impression that I hate my family, but truth be told, I love them. Last year I was in residence and I loved the freedom, and I can't wait for that chance again this year. I get to see Baby-K today and H, my two bffs, and am SO excited. I miss them so much.
Yesterday was an okay day. I didn't purge, which I'm proud of, but I did eat more than I intended to. But today I'm sticking to two apples, 10 nuts, and three crackers. It will be easy to do that because of apartment hunting, then I'll be with K&H and then on the road. My dad is having dinner with his friend (who I think he may have had an affair with last year), and she ALWAYS picks the trendiest restaurants in town with THE BEST food. But I can't go. I looked in the mirror. I feel bloated and it shows. I've got to get down to less than 100lbs
Lots of love,
K.

Thinspo Poem.

Run(a)way

Well aren't you pretty?
Perfect little thing.
Bones jutting,
Cutting air with the swish of you shoulder blades.
Let me take you home,
I'll show you a good time.
I could snap your wrists in two
If you'd
Let me.
I'll slap you around a bit.
Let's get rough.
I will make those baby blues tear.
Rail thin,
Won't you be my model?
My thin-spiration.

Good Morning...Or Not.

So after my scare last night, here's what I've eaten.

5 slices of pineapple

4 silhouette yogurts

2c. Kashi Go Lean Crunch

Chicken broth with rice

I will not eat anything else today. I realize I'm worse now than I've ever been before, but I'm determined to be skinny. I don't want to look "healthy". I don't want to look "thin". I want to be skinny. I want to look like I've been on a cocaine bender for the last 2 years...minus the bad skin, of course. I'm taking extra precautions to moisturize my skin, especially the areas around my mouth, under my eyes and my hands. Otherwise I'd run the risk of looking like a 40 year old 20 something. I understand I'm sounding pretty vain, but let's face it, the ana/mia lifestyle is one of vanity. At least I'm taking care of myself instead of letting myself reach giant-like proportions.

So today, it's still early, and my mom is on a cleaning rampage and everytime she gets in this "mood", I feel my heart rate speed up. She just stresses me out to no end, always angry. She nags me even while I'm sleeping so I wake up (after 4 hours of sleep) and feel guilty for not scrubbing the fucking floors or something. It's 8am! WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CLEAN THE FUCKING RUG RIGHT NOW?! I can't deal. She keeps accusing me of purging (which I'm doing, but denying) and not cleaning up after myself. I've gotten very good at cleaning it. I put the seat up so that I catch all dribbles, wash the floor, wipe the toilet seat, throw the paper towel outside in the garbage bin... I spray the room with perfume/body spray so that the smell of vomit isn't noticeable, wash my face, wipe down the counters...

I don't understand how she still knows. I've tried EVERYTHING. I've taken to purging up-upstairs and then flushing the toilet when she drives my bro to school because every toilet flush is suspect in her mind.

Fuck. She's in a pissy mood. I'm off to go "help" her. She's such a snot.

Fail.

I ate peanut butter. Lots of it. Between bread. WTF are you thinking K.?! FAIL. FAILURE. F--! I talked to my baby-K today though and it helped a lot. I hope this master cleanse will work for me. I'm starting tomorrow instead of Friday. I need to get as much help as I can. I'm kind of worried I'll die from bulimia. I need to stop purging. I will change to ana. I can beat this. My b/f hates that I'm getting so thin, but like, he doesn't understand. He is SO skinny. Naturally. I look like a cow next to him. I NEED to be thinner than he is.

'Kay. I'm going to go get rid of this fucking peanut butter now. Peace.

Tomorrow's a new day, a step to a new me.

Game Plan.

What I plan to consume:

black coffee

water

green tea

2 Silhouette small yogurt packets with 1c. Kashi Go Lean Crunch

4 walnuts

What I consumed:

black coffee

2 Silhouette small yogurt packets with 1c. Kashi Go Lean Crunch

Wish me luck!