Good Morning...Or Not.

So after my scare last night, here's what I've eaten.

5 slices of pineapple

4 silhouette yogurts

2c. Kashi Go Lean Crunch

Chicken broth with rice

I will not eat anything else today. I realize I'm worse now than I've ever been before, but I'm determined to be skinny. I don't want to look "healthy". I don't want to look "thin". I want to be skinny. I want to look like I've been on a cocaine bender for the last 2 years...minus the bad skin, of course. I'm taking extra precautions to moisturize my skin, especially the areas around my mouth, under my eyes and my hands. Otherwise I'd run the risk of looking like a 40 year old 20 something. I understand I'm sounding pretty vain, but let's face it, the ana/mia lifestyle is one of vanity. At least I'm taking care of myself instead of letting myself reach giant-like proportions.

So today, it's still early, and my mom is on a cleaning rampage and everytime she gets in this "mood", I feel my heart rate speed up. She just stresses me out to no end, always angry. She nags me even while I'm sleeping so I wake up (after 4 hours of sleep) and feel guilty for not scrubbing the fucking floors or something. It's 8am! WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CLEAN THE FUCKING RUG RIGHT NOW?! I can't deal. She keeps accusing me of purging (which I'm doing, but denying) and not cleaning up after myself. I've gotten very good at cleaning it. I put the seat up so that I catch all dribbles, wash the floor, wipe the toilet seat, throw the paper towel outside in the garbage bin... I spray the room with perfume/body spray so that the smell of vomit isn't noticeable, wash my face, wipe down the counters...

I don't understand how she still knows. I've tried EVERYTHING. I've taken to purging up-upstairs and then flushing the toilet when she drives my bro to school because every toilet flush is suspect in her mind.

Fuck. She's in a pissy mood. I'm off to go "help" her. She's such a snot.